Relational Violence?

With the recent anniversary of my father's passing, I was reflecting on his last few years of love and service, versus how he had left my mother in the Brüderhof after their youngest child left for college. Now that my wife and I are facing the imminent possibility of an empty nest and perhaps of leaving it ourselves, it dawned on me that one could also say that it was Mom who left Dad by not fulfilling her 'Christian duty' to follow her husband wherever he went.

That got me to thinking about how and why the Brüderhof could allow so many families to be torn apart in the name of God, as I also experienced personally. Coincidentally, today I received the following analysis of some possible Biblical interpretations in support of this attitude, written to Bruderhof@yahoogroups.com by Melchior J. Fros. I do not necessarily agree with everything it says nor the spirit behind it, but find it an interesting reflection on a shared problem. Here is the essence of it:

"The elder, his father and other elders instituted the insidious 'back off from your biological family' doctrine, even when it implied distancing from one's spouse (as was threatened/recommended to my parents, who were almost separated and sent to separate communities because 'they were too attached to each other'!!).

"I am surprised that more parents ...especially mothers... don't act in outrage towards these 'separations,' just as tormenting as the movie 'Sophie's Choice'... In my opinion, the core problem that has plagued the Bruderhof throughout its history is their practice of what I call *relational violence*. Though they may have *perfected the art*, its roots lie in ancient Judaism and biblical Christianity, as I will try to demonstrate.

"There is an apparent thread of *relational violence* embedded in the stories of the Old and New Testaments. One significant example is the story of Abram's "sending away" his slave woman, Haggar, and her son Ishmael, to what Abram knew would be almost certain death. Earlier, with the permission of his barren wife, Abram had engaged in a sexual relation with Haggar, who had given birth to Ishmael.

"Subsequently a son, Isaac, was born to the Centenarian and his wife, Sarai. Eventually jealousy spurred Sarai (henceforth to be called Sarah) to encourage her husband to "get rid" of the slave woman and her son. God told Abraham to go ahead; that he would bless both sons. Much later in the story Abraham is tested once more: Will he submit ALL he holds dear to his God by sacrificially killing his son?

"Centuries later, Jesus warned that those who cling to family are not worthy of his name. He gathered to himself a group of followers who left their jobs, their parents, wives and children. He said he had not come to bring relational peace, but the sword of relational division: father against son, mother against daughter...

"Many Christians have been embarrassed by these stories and attempted to soften them. But the Bruderhof has gone further and suggested that marriage and children and family, indeed all human bonds, MUST ALWAYS submit to a primary commitment to the Brotherhood. Here, I suggest, lies the heart of the problem that has caused great suffering.”

I have often wondered what could bring Bruderhofers to reject their own family in favor of the community, and do so in the name of One who taught selfless love and self-sacrifice for others. This taking family so lightly is very foreign to most cultures, but apparently quite common in others, especially in areas of the world that historically were predominantly of one of the Protestant branches of Christianity.

The Bahá'í teachings are very clear about the importance of promoting family unity, as an essential factor in achieving the greater unity of humankind. Parents are given a serious mandate to raise and educate their children as best they can. Children are exhorted to honor, obey and serve their parents as a way of honoring, obeying and serving God. Fiancées seek their parents’ consent to marry, in order to strengthen the bonds between their two families. Chastity before marriage and fidelity within it are prescribed, and every effort is made to prevent divorce.

On the other hand, though, children cannot merely inherit their parents’ belief system, nor can spouses impose their faith on each other. Furthermore, many Bahá'í families consider it a source of honor and blessing to sacrifice their cherished closeness in order for a member to travel far away in service to the Cause. But even in this case, it is the family as a unit that makes this sacrifice willingly as a collective service to a larger social unit.